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down in the muck

November 12, 2010
Down in the muck

standing in muddy waters

I’ve been on a quest to reconnect with my heart. as a girl in my twenties, i freely connected to my heart light–its fire, its passions and to my higher purpose.  i easily drew my energies to care for the struggles of the broader world–tutoring homeless children, volunteering in a children’s hospital, singing with villagers in Bihar. But by my mid to late thirties, it was clear that I had placed that fire in some far away place, out of reach, either where i could protect it, or I could protect myself from it (i’m not sure which!). as life’s waters would have it, soul travels to where it needs to. In my 40’s, though I am experiencing joys such as family support, love, laughter, and stability–all areas of lack for my 20s year old self …I am seeking to integrate with her, for she still carries that heart light and connection to my higher purpose.

Why is it so hard to care? or rather, right now the question is, how do I allow myself to care more widely, deeply? and here is an answer hollering in my head. In Zora Neale Hurston’s beautiful book, “There Eyes Were Watching God,” she uses a phrase repeatedly “down in the muck.” It is part of the terrain, the landscape that some of her characters (her people) enter. We are all, here down in the muck. I stand, constantly challenged human that I am in this muck. This muck of people’s needs, their desires, so much hunger that I do not feel I know how to feed. and what about my own? So how do we care? Sure, there are a few evolved exalted ones among us (I am so privileged to have met some of them) who surmount these inner conflicts. They Love, so wholly, so whole heartedly. and its done from the inside out and its beautiful. Meanwhile, I pray for integration–my heart’s purpose with power and power with compassion.

So it seems to me, our job is not to climb out of the muck. Our job, maybe is to stand in that muck, consciously see ourselves in all around us…and accept ourselves whole, muck and all. Love comes from this. And maybe that is how we can stand in this muck and reach for the stars.

anyway, this is some of my struggle for now. caring is fundamental and i am glad to be opening my heart energies up again.

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